A married couple had a very bad argument one day, it ended up with the husband going to hospital with the hoover pipe shoved up his bum.
A couple of days later, his wife telephoned the hospital to find out how he was.
The doctor said he's picking up.
His father says, that's nothing son, your mother can do that with egg and chips.
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.
The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights
with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now.
The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...
The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing
you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.'
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